The New ‘Friend’

Deer Fawn and Bear Cub were the best of friends. They did everything together. They joyfully ran through the forest. They played in the creek and lazed in the sun. They had sleepovers at each other’s homes, often cuddling up together and talking late into the night.

They seemed inseparable.

One day Bear Cub had something exciting he wanted to share with his dear friend.

“Deer Fawn, guess what?”

“What Bear Cub?”

“I made a new friend today!”

Deer Fawn got quiet. Bear Cub felt curious about her reaction.

“I thought you would be excited about my new friend,” Bear Cub shared, “but you seem kind of sad.”

Deer Fawn remained quiet for a moment, then spoke. “Why do you need a new friend?”

“What do you mean?” asked Bear Cub.

“Aren’t you getting everything you’re wanting from a friend from me?” asked Deer Fawn, her voice cracking a bit.

Bear Cub felt he was starting to understand his friend’s reaction and wanted to offer her some reassurance.

“Oh, I love our friendship so much!” he replied. “It’s absolutely wonderful. You’re the best friend I could ask for, Deer Fawn.”

“Thank you, Bear Cub,” she said. “I feel the same way about you.” She offered him a bit of a smile, but it faded as quickly as it appeared and she looked as if she might cry.

Bear Cub felt compassion for his dear friend and waited patiently to see if she had more to say.

… She did.

“If our friendship is so wonderful,” she asked, “why would you need another friend?”

Bear Cub thought about her question for a moment, then responded. “Every friendship is unique, and a unique part of me comes out to play with each person.”

Deer Fawn considered her friend’s words and responded. “So you’re wanting to experience different parts of yourself, and different people bring these different parts of you out to play.”

“Exactly!” Bear Cub excitedly replied, so happy at feeling understood by his friend.

Deer Fawn thought about this and responded further. “That makes a lot of sense to me and I very much want you to experience all the dynamic and beautiful parts of yourself, Bear Cub,” she began, “but some part of me feels really scared by the idea of you making a new friend.”

Bear Cub nodded his head. “Thank you for sharing your fear with me,” he responded. “I wonder if maybe you’re scared because you think me having a new friend will change our friendship.”

“Yes,” Deer Fawn replied, relieved at feeling empathized with and understood. She could feel that Bear Cub really cared about her experience, and this softened her. She paused, feeling a bit of warmth from this, but in this moment, the fear still felt quite strong, and she decided to continue sharing from her scared place so this part of her could continue to feel seen and heard.

“I’m worried that you’ll have so much fun with your new friend that you won’t want to play with me as much. Or maybe not at all,” she shared. Tears were now beginning to well up in the corners of her eyes.

Bear Cub wanted to reassure his friend, but he knew he couldn’t predict the future. If he was being honest with himself, he didn’t really know how his feelings and motivations might change. He decided to speak from his truth of the moment.

“I absolutely love our friendship and it’s hard to imagine myself ever not wanting it, Deer Fawn,” he shared. “Our connection brings so much joy to my life. So much of my playful, excited self comes out when I’m with you!”

He offered her a smile, but she didn’t feel like smiling back. She didn’t want to put on a mask that everything was okay when this wasn’t how she truly felt inside. She wanted to show Bear Cub the genuine Deer Fawn that was present in this moment.

Tears began to flow from Deer Fawn. Bear Cub offered his dear friend his paw, and she hesitated a moment, then held it in her’s. After a few moments, she began to speak.

“I don’t want to stop you from making new friends and experiencing new parts of yourself in connection with them,” Deer Fawn began, “but I’m scared that a lot of fear will arise for me when you connect with others, and that I won’t be very fun to be around when I’m feeling this way, so you’ll go away.”

Bear Cub nodded and once again waited to see if his friend had more to say before responding… and again she did.

“It may not only be sadness that I feel,” she continued, “My disappointment and fear about our changing relationship may cause me to become jealous and angry as well. And I can’t imagine why you’d want to hang out with an angry, blubbery mess.”

“I so appreciate you sharing all of this, Deer,” Bear Cub began. “I feel so grateful to have such a wonderful friend that isn’t afraid to express her feelings and doesn’t wish to limit my freedom, even when it may feel very challenging and you’re afraid your emotions may impact our friendship.”

This time it was Deer Fawn that waited to see if her friend had more to say.

… He did.

“I’m noticing that as you vulnerably express your fears, without blame, I feel closer to you,” Bear Cub continued. “You’re listening to me so openly and I don’t feel you making me wrong for wanting a new friend, even though you feel a lot of fear around what this could mean for our friendship. The beautiful way you’re responding really helps me to not get defensive or take your feelings and fears personally.”

“But I may not respond this way in every moment,” Deer Fawn replied. “What happens when I don’t respond so openly and beautifully? What happens if it becomes hard to be around each other because of the feelings that arise in response to your new connection impacting our connection?”

Bear Cub sat with this question and gazed into his dear friend’s eyes. She held his gaze. He couldn’t imagine not wanting his friendship with Deer Fawn, but if things became tense and their dynamic shifted, he knew that their relationship could indeed change. He took a deep breath and shared his difficult, honest answer.

“I don’t know.”

They both let the uncomfortable truth hang in the air for several moments, continuing to gaze into each other’s eyes.

It was Bear Cub that broke the silence once more. “My impulse is to reassure you that nothing will change between us, but the uncomfortable truth is that I don’t know how things may change. All I know is how I feel in this moment, and in this moment I feel so much appreciation and care for you. I deeply cherish and adore you and our friendship. I don’t imagine this changing even if many fears and feeling arise for you and you become reactive at times, but if our interactions become consistently tense it may change how much time we want to spend to together, at least temporarily. We may need breaks from each other if we become defensive in our communication and begin closing our hearts to one another. And at some point, some day, regardless of whether or not I ever go out and make new friends, we may decide that we wish to spend less time together. And perhaps our friendship will one day fade altogether.”

Bear Cub wondered how helpful it was to speak of impermanence during his friend’s time of sadness and fear, but he wasn’t sure how else to share the truth of unpredictability as he saw it. He worried that perhaps his timing was off, and it would have been best to simply listen to his friend’s concerns and offer empathy and validation.

Deep Fawn sat with Bear Cub’s uncomfortable words. She didn’t like what he was saying, but she felt the truth of his message.

Something began to relax inside her.

She felt a surrendering within her to the inevitability of change. She felt the futility of attempting to control. She felt a painfully beautiful letting go of attachment to the way things are… and she began to sob.

Bear Cub sat with his friend, holding her paw, imagining her experience and feeling into his own.

Deer Fawn continued to allow her emotions to flow through her. Sadness and fear made their way from her body to her eyes and streamed down her face. They traveled from her heart to her voice, releasing themselves in gentle waves.

Bear Cub remained patiently by her side, allowing her to empty out. His only desire was for his friend to feel comforted by his presence.

In the presence of her dear friend’s compassionate companionship and her own courage to feel her pain, Deer Fawn’s emotional experience began to transform. Sadness and fear dissolved into something quite different. Something that felt to her like gratitude. Like knowing. Like love.

Deer Fawn’s sobs were now mixed with laughter, and Bear Cub noticed curiosity arising about his friend’s experience. But he didn’t want to interrupt her process. He wished to allow her all the time and space she needed to feel complete.

After some time, Deer Fawn spoke. “It’s just so beautiful,” she said. This was all that was needed. Bear Cub felt a shared knowing of what she meant and smiled. He’d come out of similar emotional experiences with similar simple “revelations.”

Neither of them felt the need for words. They simply shared in their knowing laughter as they held one another in a loving embrace.

And, together, they gently drifted off to sleep.